On this page, we list some common questions that the laity or general public might have about clergy child sexual abuse and its effects. We also post answers to those very questions from the survivors themselves as well as from their family members, friends, attorneys, advocates, etc. If you have a question or would like to answer any of the questions that will be posted, please send them to the address below. Thank you for your participation. Communication is key to understanding and understanding is key to changing hearts and minds.
What kind of person could ever molest a child?
How do priest- (or nun-) perps groom their young victims?
How did some of the children feel, what did they think, while being assaulted?
Why did some of this children go back with their perpetrator?
How long did some of the crime-sprees last for the same victim?
What happened when children told of the assaults?
Why didn't most children tell of the assaults?
How do the assaults change the lives of children at the time?
How do the assaults change the lives of children overall and into adulthood?
How do the assaults effect the families of the victims?
How do the assaults affect the spirit or spirituality of the victims?
Why did some of the victims go to the church for help and what was the response?
Why do victims go public?
Why does it take so long for victims of childhood sexual abuse to come forward?
Why do victims sue the church?
What are some of the most devastating effects of the sexual abuse and then re-victimization?
Why should I come forward with this deeply-hidden secret that I was was sexually assaulted as a child.
Who should I call or contact when I am ready to come forward with my story?
What can I do to help prevent childhood sexual abuse and/or help survivors with their healing?
How should I respond when a local priest or nun is accused of sexual abuse or asssaulting a child?
What kind of person could ever molest a child?
"He was young, smart, funny, and sarcastic."
"My abuser was a master of deceit and manipulation."
"He was charismatic and personable, but arrogant."
"The man was a great speaker. He could be the impresario, the master of ceremonies. He was the kind of guy who'd buy you milkshakes and take you to the movies and had a never-ending source of treats. It was a special invitation to be his acolyte."
How do priest- (or nun-) perps "groom" their young victims?
"He had told me numerous times that I was incapable of loving. He gave me alcohol and cigarettes. Throughout this time, [he] was breaking me down."
"He treated me like a younger brother. He built up a trust with me. He took a good amount of time and very carefully crafted our relationship."
"Father took me for a ride in his car 'to talk'. I had a steak dinner and a beer. He bought them. I remember it clearly because it was the first time an adult had ever bought me a beer like I was a peer or something."
"He gave me drugs and alcohol and would play pornographic movies."
"I was completely incapacitated with medication and communion wine and abused in my sleep."
"The other boys and myself were allowed to drink alcohol - whiskey, gin, and beer were all very common to us. In fact, very little in the way of non-alcoholic drinks were provided to us. I vividly remember one night Father was so drunk he vomited on himself while driving."
"I knew [drinking alcohol] was wrong but it seemed okay because Father said it was okay."
Father said, "It would destroy your parents. They won't believe you anyway. Everybody likes me. Even your friends won't believe you."
"We drank a great deal of alcohol. This helped me cope and I was kind of proud that I could tell the difference between Johnnie Walker Black Label Scotch and Johnnie Walker Red Label by age 15."
"He told me I was 'a very cold person' and that I needed to 'be warmed up'".
"I was awakened when Father got into bed with me. I was scared. Father was undressed (I think he had under shorts on) and he said something like, 'It's just me. I'm tired and I can't drive home'. He scooted up in the bed behind me."
"When you grew up in that time in a strict Catholic atmosphere, it was pretty much known that anybody who wore a habit or a cloak represented Jesus on Earth. You were powerless."
How did some of the children feel, what did they think, while being assaulted?
"I was confused and didn't know why Father was doing this to me."
"As I awoke, I became terrified and stunned. I was profoundly shocked, without any idea of how to react to his behavior."
"I thought about my girlfriend. I thought about school. I counted sheep."
"For 72 hours, I felt like I was under constant attack. It was relentless. I mean, I felt like I was a prisoner at his house... . I remember saying in a moment of silence, when I maybe slept for just a couple of hours, 'God, is this ever going to end? When is it ever going to end?'"
"Feeling confused, panicked, helpless, praying that no one was watching. Yeah, I did pray. Habit, I guess. Breathing was almost impossible."
"I don't even know how to describe how it felt. It's almost like I was up on the ceiling and I was looking down. This can't be happening, but it is happening, and it can't be, but he's a priest, and I can't say no, yet I know it's wrong, and yet he's a priest, and it was just back and forth, and it was horrible."
"I was condemned to hell! I knew that my confessions and graphic descriptions of my fantasies had caused this priest to fall. It was my fault!"
"I was confused, scared, unsure."
"Lying naked in the filth of stolen virginity, stained with the sexual gratification of a child molesting priest, brings with it trauma, shame, bewilderment and confusion."
"When I got home at night after being dropped off, I can remember specifically that he had just inserted his finger in my rectum. I remember getting out of the car and having him drive away and thinking, 'How sick is this?'"
Why did some of the children go back with their perpetrator(s)?
"Why I went back with Father is a question that I've asked a thousand times. I do not have an answer."
"I threw him up against the wall. He literally went down like he was having a heart attack, to make me feel guilty about pushing him and rejecting him. And then all of a sudden, it was right back to the old mold."
"While he had considerable control over my body, he had complete control over my mind."
"He would start this welling up and he'd start this unbelievable sobbing and wailing until he got what he wanted."
"After six years of this abusive relationship, I was simply unable to create enough sense of self to say no to this assignment."
"When he arrived, I tried to stop the sexual activity in the relationship. I would resist him and tell him I couldn't continue. He responded in one of the usual ways. One was the screaming, angry Father Bob, who told me how ungrateful I was for all he had done for me. The other was the tearful, pitiful Father Bob, who told me no one else loved him in the world but me. Both worked."
How long did some of the crime-sprees last for the same victim?
"The abuse lasted 3 years."
"This happed over the course of a 2-week stay" in a medical facility by the hospital chaplain/Catholic priest.
"[He] came to the bed I slept in many more times over the next 18 months."
"This was the start of seven years of sexual abuse which included most any sexual activity between two males that you can imagine."
What happened when children told of the assaults?
"'Thomas attended confession at St. Peter and Paul's. He told his confessor what happened to him. As soon as the words incriminating a priest escaped the youngster's lips, his confessional door was thrown open. He was grabbed by the hair and thrown down the stairs of the church. 'Don't come back here again, speaking of that blasphemy', the confessor yelled at him as he scrambled away."
"My dad told me, 'Believe me, he will never be back and he will never hurt you again'."
"I went upstairs when I was done, and, with no coat on, went outside to the phone booth and called my mother. She answered and, crying hysterically, I told her about the 10-minute rape. She never said a word. I begged her to let me come home. She calmly said no and hung up."
Why didn't most children tell of the assaults?
"Good question, with a very simple answer. I was in extreme denial; quite common with victims of sexual abuse."
"The school would never believe me, I thought, and I feared I would be expelled if I revealed the abuse. I was 14 with no voice, except the one in my head saying, 'You can never tell the truth about what is happening'."
"I couldn't tell anybody because of all the shame and guilt and humiliation... . I just figured, maybe it will end."
"I didn't run home and tell mom and dad. I didn't tell my friends. Losing my virginity to a f---ing guy in a skirt did not seem to be ideal breakfast conversation at home, or in the school yard. "Guess what happened to me?" Telling anyone was not an option. Who would believe me? Who could possibly understand? After all, this was a man of God. No. I immediately buried it. Pushed it so deep inside that I would never find it. I would never have to see it again."
"I felt trapped. My parents would be horrified to know their failure at marriage put their son at risk to be sexually abused and that the man abusing me was the high school chaplain and beloved priest."
"I couldn't tell anyone at home what happened. I had to keep it inside of myself."
"I remember feeling responsible for the abuse almost immediately. I also remember feeling nauseated. I had absolutely no idea what to do. It never occurred to me to tell another adult what happened."
"As the abuse continues, young vulnerable victims of priests wonder: Where can I go with this, who can I trust, I am so sad, I'm angry. I don't know where to turn."
"I could explain how the feeling of shame and guilt were overwhelming for the next few days and weeks and months. I kept this secret inside me. Afraid to tell anyone. Almost afraid to even let people see me because I was sure they would be able to tell that I had sex with a priest. I had no one and no where to turn. I buried this secret deep in the recesses of my mind - never forgotten but I learned to put it so deep in my head that it seemed it wasn't hurting. I told only one person over the next 20 years - that was the other friend of mine who stayed over that same night and was also raped. I didn't tell my parents. I was sure if they knew I would be ostracized or humiliated and I didn't tell my wife. My secret was buried deep in my mind - except for the chronic insomnia and the bad temper.
"In those days no one spoke of such things. I had nowhere to go and neither did my poor Mother. So both of us kept this horrible dirty secret inside of us and all along blamed ourselves - and carried this guilt.
"He asked me something like, 'Where are you going to go? I am not trying to hurt you. I've got your best interest at heart and there ain't a soul in the world that would believe I would put you in any position not good for you'."
"I swore I'd never tell."
How do the assaults change the lives of children at the time?
"I walked into the Hilton pool house looking at life in color and left looking at it in black and white."
"I was a totally different person from what I was when I walked there, less than a half-hour before. And from that moment on, my life was destroyed. Absolutely destroyed."
I tried to do normal things with other kids but I never felt connected. I never felt like I belonged anywhere.
"In school my grades just went down the toilet. I couldn't study. I couldn't concentrate very well. I was not a good student. I was either drunk or hung over and acted out an awful lot in angry bursts of rage."
"When I was 14, I became an entirely different child. I was disruptive in school. I questioned the Catholic religion. I continued to become very angry and very rebellious. I would do nothing that society or the RCC said was right. I would do just the opposite."
".... after years of doing things I couldn't explain."
"As time went by, we noticed our son was reluctant to take part in the things of the church. He didn't want his picture taken and he didn't want to serve Mass. He didn't want to go to church."
"I would ask myself, 'Why am I so different?' and 'Why do I feel the way I do?'"
"During this time, I began to develop into two people - the abused John, terrified and unable to get help, and the public John. I moved easily between these two people."
"I had a lot of behavioral problems back then. I know the source of my alcoholism and drug abuse is directly related to the abuse, but also the fact that my first sexual experience was first with this priest. The first drink of alcohol I ever had was with this priest."
How do the assaults change the lives of children overall and into adulthood?
"My emotional state as of now is a roller coaster... the top being depression and the low chaotic."
"He began drinking heavily and taking drugs and was discharged (from the Marines). A short-lived marriage disintegrated. He once asked (his mother) if being abused by a man 'makes me gay'?"
"You might say I was almost like a sex addict. But I couldn't sustain a relationship. There was just no way a relationship was going to last long in my emotional state."
"Because being in a state of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) since age 5, I have been speeding and rushing and panting for more than 55 years. You can't fake these symptoms, we can't all have them in different cities at different times in the same way without it being real."
"I began to experience a depression that I am still working out of today."
"Small every day incidents quickly accelerate, in my mind, to the extreme with tragic results. My life has been a series of races that I've never finished. When asked the question, 'Can you do this?' My immediate response is, 'Yes I can' ... and in the same breath, 'No I can't'. I have sabotaged every possible success. I have sabotaged every meaningful relationship with the possible exception of one... And my past, my sexual abuse, could even finish even that one for me."
"I also harbor guilt that I didn't speak out sooner - might it have spared someone else from abuse?"
"I began to experience crying spells. As I continued on this path the emotional outbursts grew. Since I lived with two roommates, I found myself taking drives alone for hours at a time. After finding some secluded spot, I would grieve and cry. Screaming was the next addition to my emotional outbursts. I found myself having to find safe places to scream. It was a matter of making myself scream, it was a matter of allowing myself to let out this terror. As usual, I would take long drives, or scream into pillows in my basement with my stereo blasting. This continues, in some form, to this day."
"It wasn't until law school that I suffered from extreme panic attacks and depression. For a long time I had no idea what was the cause of them."
"Belief that I will be 'found out' as an imposter and that I have fooled everyone into thinking I am a capable healthy person."
"My mind was alway in overdrive and yet I couldn't hold a thought for very long."
"I feared someone might take my baby away from me. I was adamant that I would function fine to the outside world. I became quite good at 'masking'. But my mind was always in overdrive and yet I couldn't hold a thought for very long. I was in a constant state of fear and didn't know why. I rocked myself in the fetal position in corners of my house sobbing uncontrollably or just rocked and banged my head against the walls. I have continued to live a dual life in terms of behavior.
"I may go from a constant need to quick, anonymous sex to being repulsed if someone touches me."
"Self-destructive behaviors, including:
Suicide thoughts, self-inflicted pain imposed upon myself under the guise of religious experience and "God", believing and acting upon the belief that I am meant to suffer, believing that suffering is the only way to please God or to gain spiritual understanding."
Depression..... Rage.... Anxiety Attacks.... Lack of Self-Esteem....
An inability to successfully carry on an intimate relationship......
Confusion and inner conflict regarding sexual identity...
Lack of ability to trust others and excessive personal rigidity..
Lack of clarity with respect to personal boundaries....
Excessive passivity, especially toward male authority....
Compulsion/addictive sexual behavior...
An incapability to equate sex and intimacy...
A continual state of trauma.. A constant state of fear...
"I subscribe to the 'baggage' theory of mental health. I believe we all enter adulthood with a certain amount of emotional baggage from our families and early life experiences. Some of us have very little, others a fair amount. My experience is that abuse victims enter adulthood with steamer trunks on their backs."
"My husband and I divorced after eight years of marriage. I was devastated. But in that devastation I began to address the things that I was running from for years. I stayed in therapy. I needed to figure out why I made the choices that I did. I needed to find out why I was so disconnected from myself. I ached to find a way to feel safe in my own skin. It was time to revisit the sexual abuse and its impact on my life."
"It took me nearly 20 years to gather the strength to help put my abuser behind bars."
"25 years later, I'm still trying to make things right."
"It must be noted that I will be healing from and resolving from within for the rest of my life." (It must be noted that the victim who made this statement ended his own life thanks to his wretched perp, Richard Coughlin, and the wretched bishops/lawyers/vicars who enabled him.)
How do the assaults effect the families of the victims?
"My mother was a devout Catholic all her life and has left the Church."
"What would it do to my relationship with my parents and brothers to tell them of the abuse? What about all my aunts, uncles and cousins - all committed Catholics? How would they react?
How do the assaults affect the spirit or spirituality of the victims?
"Father O'Donnell murdered my soul and he damaged my mind and spirit. This man of God did the same thing to my Mother! This crime that he committed against the both of us, is a crime of spiritual and emotional murder... We were made to feel dead spiritually and emotionally. This, in turn, made a dreadful effect on our health, both mentally and physically."
"I lost Jesus in this. I don't know how that happened but it did. How do I get that back?"
"I went through a long period as a child when I aspired to be a priest."
"It creates a spritual disconnect."
"I was not only sexually abused, but spiritually abused as well."
"I wanted to be a priest, until I was molested."(Also read Dissociation on our Understanding Abuse page.)
Why did some victims go to the church for help and what was the response?
"We turned to the church. We really wanted to give them the opportunity to handle this."
"It sickens me to see the lack of compassion in the Church's response to the victims. The response I received from the diocese was wholly inadequate."
"I have more respect for organized crime. At least they admitted what they were."
"It's obvious that they don't care and they just wanted to get us off their backs." (This victim died at age 29 of a drug overdose. So much for a christian and compassionate church.)
"It's sad that Bishop Doran seems to be more concerned with the well-being of the pedophile priests than he is with the victims, the affected parishes or the opinions of the people who make up the Church and contribute to it with their weekly donations. One wonders what, if anything, he took away from the 2002 bishops' conference."
"1. They want the church to acknowledge that they were abused by one of their clergy.
2. They want an apology.
3. They often want some help paying for the resources they need to try to get their lives back.
4. They want the church to reach out to them with compassion and support. They want to be folded into the arms of the church and nurtured and supported through recovery."
"Our concern was that the diocese please reach out to other victims. And we were looking for understanding and accountability."
"I went to the Archdiocese (of Denver) to report Father Tim. I asked whether I should have an attorney when I met with the Archdiocese. They told me that I shouldn't have an attorney and that the Archdiocese doesn't bring attorneys. When I got to the meeting with the Archdiocese, Nancy Wailer introduced everyone there. Nancy told me that one of the people was an attorney. I questioned why an attorney was present when I was told there would be none and I was told not to bring one. Nancy told me at this point that she was an attorney. Both of them said that they were not acting on a legal behalf during the meeting. I found out during the criminal trial that the other attorney at the meeting was Charles Goldberg, the attorney for Archbishop Chaput and the Archdiocese."
"There is nothing so devastating for a victim as going to the Church for help and being treated as a legal adversary."
"It only makes sense for a bishop to come forward if he listens with his heart and says we have a perpetrator; and to also let the victim know there is help available. That's the Christian thing to do. Will they do it? That's what's so frustrating."
"We've seen the true colors of these people that we're dealing with here. And, you know, it's not a pretty sight."
"Virtually every person I have ever met when a Catholic priest has abused has gone to the church for help. I have never met one who felt the church took care of him or her properly. Instead, the victims have been lied to, ignored, berated, condemned and mistreated. We have a word for it - revictimization. It is a common experience."
"When I came forward with my abuse, I went to the archdiocese first. My abusers were notified immediately of their removals, but I was sent to speak with a bishop who was a good friend of one of the priests who abused me. I found him arrogant and patronizing and I was told to go home and consider what restitution meant and come back when I had any ideas."
"An example of my experience is day two of my three days of being deposed by Atty. Joanne Goulka for the Diocese (of Worcester, MA). She was not my ally and I knew that going into it. I had seen her tactics while sitting through my Grandmother and Mother's depositions. Even so, I had no idea how cruel she would be. I preface this instance with the fact that during my lawsuit my personal journals and my therapy records had been produced as part of discovery. That meant that all my innermost thoughts about my abuse, my recovery, my therapy - all of it, was there for them to scrutinize. I had written about how seeing nuns and priests in their habits had bothered me and acted as a trigger for me. I had also mentioned that I had vivid memories of my perpetrator's cross dangling over my face as he raped me. With this information, Atty. Goulka showed up in a black suit with a white collared shirt - just like a nun's habit. Hanging around her neck was a four-inch cross of garnets."
Why do victims go public?
"Being silent had allowed my perpetrator to continue to abuse for many years. Now that I remembered everything and was dealing with it, I had to speak out."
"If this story compels even one person to seek help for being sexually abused, then it is all worth it."
"With this understanding that, yes, I have been sexually abused, comes a converging sense of self understanding and inner resolution regarding aspects of my self that have been dysfunctional and troubling."
"I want to take this awful experience and use it as a tool to warn others. I hope my story will help in some small way."
"It was very difficult for me to tell my wife, family, friends and colleagues what happened. I have struggled with the decision to publicly come forward with my story. I don't want to do this, but I believe I have to. If my story, in some way, can prevent even one child from facing the pain of sexual abuse and the hurt of manipulation by someone they trust, then my discomfort will all be worth it. I firmly believe that silence, denial and the lack of action is the greatest tragedy in this entire Catholic crisis. I need to break the wall of silence."
"I feel a strong personal ethical responsibility to help other survivors and to try to hold the church accountable."
"I decided that the only way I would get the diocese to take action against Father Huneke was to expose him publicly. I became obsessed with stopping him and protecting any future victims."
"I'm encouraged and very relieved to finally come out and say I am a victim of abuse."
"I hope that someone will have the nerve to pick up on my story and tell it with the hope that some other survivors can find the empowerment to seek help."
"1. Because the Catholic Church continues to deliberately and profoundly fail in doing the right thing to support the victims of its priests' sexual abuse;
2. Because when I speak of my own abuse, other abuse victims come out of their isolation and darkness and try to get help;
3. Because it helps me to cope with and integrate the effects of the sexual abuse I suffered for seven years at the hands of a Catholic priest."
"What I feel best about, is that I did not allow the Catholic Church to silence me."
Why does it take so long for victims of childhood sexual abuse to come forward?
"I am now just discovering the harm, pain, and embarrassment this molestation has caused to my body and mind." (15 years after the abuse ended)
"The denial worked for a long time. It wasn't until I was in law school that I suffered from extreme panic attacks and depression. For a long time, I had no idea what was the cause of them. Over the past year (2002), the nonstop media coverage of priest abuse forced me to reflect back and I started to piece together my own story of abuse - and it hit me like a ton of bricks."
Why do victims sue the church and why do most of them agree to an out-of-court settlement?
(Please see 'What was the response of the church above.)
"For me, going the legal route was more about having the truth known to protect other children than anything else. The law did not allow me to file any criminal suit, but I could file a civil suit."
"I am taking action today because I was deceived by the Archdiocese of Denver."
"for future medical and therapy expenses, damages for physical and mental pain and suffering, lost wages and earning capacity and punitive damages."
"The Catholic Church has never once apologized to me for any part they played in my abuse or for the re-victimization I feel I endured at the hands of their attorneys. Fr. Kelley never admitted his actions and is a free, registered sex offender in Mass. I take comfort in knowing that when all this is all done, each month he will be forced to send a check to my Attorney and thus, will be reminded that I did not let him get away with abusing me and that the truth is out. In the end, I have something neither the Church nor Fr. Robert Kelley have - THE TRUTH and MY VOICE, and I can live with that.
"I sued them and I agreed to a settlement one week before the trial was to begin. I did so for several reasons; because the perpetrators had been removed, because other victims had come forward, and I got a written admission of guilt included in the language of my settlement. So for the reporters in this room, my abuse was not "alleged."
"I now know [after reaching a settlement with the church] that it wasn't my fault."
"But the main the myself and most of the other plaintiffs want out of this, is closure. I mean, this has gone on long enough. We've had to live with it most of our lives. It's time to try to put it to rest. It's not going to be easy. The money is not going to make the pain go away, but, you know, we need closure and, you know, that is the main thing here, and that's why we all agreed to settle." (This victim later died at age 29 of a drug overdose.)
How does the church treat victims of sexual abuse by clergy, nuns and 'religious'?
"Through it all, the church in which I grew up, the Roman Catholic Church, treated me like the enemy."
"A small handful have sued the church and won. Most have given up, bested by the lowest form of hardball legal tactics employed by the Church."
"That meeting (with the bishop) began a nine-year battle to have Huneke removed from active ministry. During those nine years, the bishop moved the priest from parish to parish. The bishop insisted that there were no other victims and I should let it be. The bishop did not want to hear about it."
"The RCC is very good at spending money on lawyers who file every possible motion imaginable to hid the truth and muddy the waters, rather than helping victims with therapy costs. It was all legal, but was it ethical?"
"The Catholic Church continues to behave with arrogance and aloofness."
"No one ever apologized for what their priest did to me. In fact, no one ever even admitted in writing that he had abused me. No one ever asked how my life was or what effect it had on my family and me. No one offered to pay for my therapy or speak to my despondent, grieving parents."
"[Cardinal Francis George of Chicago] acknowledged he wrote the [perp] priest a number of times, including in 2000 when he told Maday that the six years Maday had served should be 'enough to satisfy the state and any sense of justice'." (Maday reportedly sexually abused more than 40 children.)
"They [TV cameras] captured the near-riot that ensued as parishioners shouted at us to leave the church grounds. (Victim, his father and brother were distributing letters outside the parish where his perp was having Mass. The victim has unsuccessfully tried to get the bishop to remove the perp priest.) Parishioners attacked the cameraman, injuring him and tried to grab the microphone from the reporter."
What are some of the most devastating effects of the sexual abuse and then re-victimization?
"I remember wanting to kill myself after a choir sponsored pool party." (Perp was choir director/priest).
"My son [John Houston] didn't just take his life. Father Maday and [Cardinal Francis] George had a part in it."
"I kept the details of the first abuses a secret and as a result became hell-bent on self-destruction. I was a cutter. I was obsessed with burning myself. I poured acid in my eyes. I swallowed thousands of pills."
"Roughly a month after the abuse started, I attempted to commit suicide. I took a bottle of my mother's pills. I lined them up one-by-one on my maple dresser. I took them all and lay on my bed hoping to just fade away and die."
"I am very grateful I survived this. I didn't think I would."
"It will never be over for me. 26 years of burying it deep inside, of suicide attempts, I now know it wasn't my fault."
If these stories are so important, and if there are so many of them, why don't we read about it more in the newspapers or see them on television?
"The paper wouldn't publish the story. The reporter, a religion writer assigned to the story, told me I seemed more like some sort of 'teacher's pet' to her than an abuse victim."
"The newspaper was still uncomfortable with the story despite my new revelations" (a list of about 10 other victims from the same perp).
Why should I come forward with the deeply-hidden secret that I was sexually abused as a child?
"I also want to encourage others who suffer in silence to come forward with their own stories - you are not alone."
"I ask all of those other people that are out there who were harmed by Father Tim, the Archdiocese, or other perpetrators to come forward to law enforcement so that this does not happen again."
"You can shed (emotional) baggage as you progress through life or you can choose to keep it and slog along."
"All it takes is telling one person. From there, strength grows and you can tell a second person and so on. Then you can finally have control of your life back."
Who should I call or contact when I am ready to come forward with my story?
We strongly discourage individuals from going to the church for help. In case you missed it, the church has a habit of revictimizing victims who come to them for help. All rapes, molestations and assaults are crimes and all crimes should be reported to the local police. Please see our Reporting page for more information on reporting abuse. If you are told the statute of limitations has passed, consider contacting one of the following individuals to help you seek healing and/or justice.
The following individuals have gladly made public their telephone numbers and email addresses for those who might need assistance or someone to talk to. Many are survivors, all are advocates. Some are available anytime, day or night. Feel free to reach out to these good people or pass on their information to anyone you think might benefit from speaking with them.
Anderson Advocates (advocates/lawyers): 651-227-9900; www.andersonadvocates.com
Barbara Blaine (survivor and advoate): 312-399-4747; snapblaine@gmail.com
Bob Brancato (survivor and advocate): 720-291-5009 (24hrs); robert.brancato@gmail.com
David Clohessy (survivor and advocate): 314-645-5915; snapclohessy@aol.com
Barbara Dorris: 314-862-7688; snapdorris@gmail.com
Michael Ference (advocate): 412-233-5491; ference@icubed.com
Marc Pearlman (advocate/lawyer): 312-261-4550; www.kfplegal.com/childprotection/
Harold Poniatowski (survivor and advocate): 773-283-4364 (24hrs); haroldshouse@att.net
How should I respond if a local priest or nun is accused of sexual abuse or assaulting a child?
The following suggestions are offered by the Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests (SNAP).1) Remain open-minded.
The natural human instinct is to recoil from alleged horror, and to immediately assume that the allegations are false. But the overwhelming majority of abuse disclosures prove to be true. In every case, the proper and Christian response is to remain open-minded.2) Pray for all parties involved.
Every person involved deserves and needs prayerful support.3) Let yourself feel whatever emotions arise.
You may feel angry, betrayed, confused, hurt, worried and sad. These are all natural, "typical" responses to an allegation of sexual abuse. None of these feelings are inappropriate or "bad." Don't "kick yourself" for feeling any of these emotions.4) Remember that abuse, sadly, is quite common.
It's far more widespread than any of us would like to believe. Experts estimate that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 9 boys will be molested in their
lifetimes.5) Don't try to "guess" or figure out who the accuser is.
Abuse victims, like rape victims, need their privacy to recover from their trauma. Openly speculating about who is alleging abuse is essentially gossiping, and helps to create a hostile climate that will keep other victims
(even those abused by non-clerical perpetrators) from coming forward.6) If you do know the victim(s), protect his/her confidentiality.
There are many good reasons why abuse victims are unable to publicly come forward. Often, the person wants to keep his/her elderly parents or young children from suffering too. Don't compound the pain he/she is in by disclosing his/her identity to others.7) Understand that abuse victims often have "troubled" backgrounds (i.e. drug or alcohol problems, criminal backgrounds, etc.)
Instead of undermining the credibility of accusers, these difficulties actually enhance their credibility. (When someone is physically hurt, there are almost always clear signs of harm; so too with sexual abuse. The harm is reflected largely in self-destructive behaviors. One might be skeptical of a person who claimed to have been run over by a truck but showed no bodily injury. Similarly, one might be skeptical of an alleged molestation victim who always acted like a "model citizen.")8) Don't allow the mere passage of time to discredit the accusers.
Stress to your fellow parishioners that there are many good reasons why abuse victims disclose their victimization years after the crime. In most instances, victims come forward when they are emotionally able to do so, and feel capable of risking disbelief and rejection from precious loved ones, including family members, church leaders, other authorities, and fellow Catholics. Sometimes, they are psychologically able to do so only after their perpetrator has died, moved or been accused by someone else. Sometimes, they have been assured that their perpetrator would never be around kids again, but have learned that this isn't the case.(In other cases, it takes years before victims are able to understand and/or acknowledge to themselves that they have been sexually violated. This is a common defense mechanism.)
9) Ask your family members and friends if they were victimized.
Many times, abuse victims will continue to "keep the secret" unless specifically invited to disclose their victimization by someone they love and trust. Even raising this topic can be very uncomfortable. But it must be done. It may be very awkward and your family members may even act resentful at first. But soon they will remember that you really care about them, and will see your question as a sign of that care.10) Mention the accusation to former parishioners and parish staff now living elsewhere.
They may have information that could prove the guilt or innocence of the priest facing allegations. This is especially important because sometimes abuse victims or their families move away after experiencing abuse.11) Contact the police or prosecutors.
It's your duty as a citizen to call the proper civil authorities if you have any information (even if it's "second hand" or vague) that might help prove the guilt or innocence of the accused. It's your duty as a Christian to help seek justice and protect others from harm. Remember: abuse thrives in secrecy. Exposing a physical wound to fresh air, clean water and sunlight can be healing. Exposing sexual crimes is also ultimately healing. And remember that police and prosecutors are unbiased professionals with the skills and experience needed to ascertain whether an allegation is true or false.12) Don't allow other parishioners to make disparaging comments about those making the allegation.
Remember, the sexual abuse of children has terribly damaging effects. As a Christian, you want to help prevent such victimization. And you want anyone who is in pain to get help as soon as possible. Critical comments about those who make allegations only discourage others who may have been hurt. Such remarks prevent those who need help from reaching out and getting it. Show your compassion for abuse victims. Tell your fellow parishioners that hurtful comments are inappropriate. Remind them that they can defend their priest without attacking his accuser.13) Educate yourself and your family about sexual abuse.
There are many excellent books and resources on the subject. There are also good books specifically about molestation by clerics (Jason Berry's Lead Us Not Into Temptation, Frank Bruni & Elinor Burkett's Gospel of Shame, and the Boston Globe's Betrayal). Check out the web site for clergy abuse victims: SNAPnetwork.org14) Support the accused priest PRIVATELY.
Calls, visits, letters, gifts, and prayers - all of these are appropriate ways to express your love and concern for the accused priest. Public displays of support, however, are not. They only intimidate others into keeping silent. In fact, it is terribly hurtful to victims to see parishioners openly rallying behind an accused priest. You may want to publicly defend a priest, collect funds for the priest's defense, and take similar steps. Please don't. Express your appreciation of the priest in a direct, quiet ways. Even if the priest is innocent, somewhere in the parish is a young girl being molested by a relative or a boy being abused by his coach or youth leader. If these children see adults they love and respect publicly rallying around accused perpetrators, they will be less likely to report their own victimization to their parents, the police, or other authorities. They will be scared into remaining silent, and their horrific pain will continue.15) Don't be blinded by the pain you can see.
The trauma of the accused priest, and those who care about him, is obvious. You can usually see it in his face, his posture, and his actions. But please try to keep in mind the trauma of the accuser too. Because you rarely see his/her pain directly, it's important to try and imagine it. This helps you keep a balanced perspective.16) Try to put yourself in the shoes of the alleged victim.
It's easy to identify with the priest. Most Catholics have met dozens of priests and know them as warm and wonderful individuals. On the other hand, few Catholics have met clergy abuse survivors. In the gospels, Jesus calls us to identify with the hurting, the vulnerable, and the innocent, the hurting. Try, as best you can, to imagine the shame, self-blame, confusion and fear that afflict men and women who have been victimized by trusted religious authority figures.17) Use this painful time as an opportunity to protect your own family.
Talk with your children about "safe touch," the private parts of their bodies, who is allowed to touch those parts, what to do if someone else tries, and who to tell. Urge your sons and daughters to have similar conversations with your grandchildren.18) Turn your pain into helpful action.
In times of stress and trauma, doing something constructive can be very beneficial. Volunteer your time or donate your funds to organizations that help abused kids or work to stop molestation.19) Keep in mind the fundamental choice you face.
On the one hand, at stake are the FEELINGS of a grown up. On the other hand, at stake is the PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, SPIRITUAL AND SEXUAL SAFETY of potentially many children. If one has to err in either direction, the prudent and moral choice is to always err on the side of protecting those who can't protect themselves: children. Remember too that it's easier for an adult to repair his reputation than for a child (or many children) to repair his/her psyche and life. Another way to look at this: Being falsely accused of abuse is horrific. But actually being abused, then being attacked or disbelieved is far worse.20) Ask your pastor to bring in an outside expert or a therapist who can lead a balanced discussion about sexual abuse.
Therapists understand and can answer the questions you and your fellow parishioners are facing, and help you deal with the emotional impact of this trauma too.21) Urge your bishop, pastor and other diocesan or parish employees to follow these guidelines too.
What can I do to help protect children from abuse and/or to help victims/survivors heal from abuse?
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With grateful hearts, we thank all survivors who have spoken out - those who are quoted here and those who are not. We also extend many thanks to the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, etc. who have spoken out about their experiences and those of their loved ones. Your wisdom and courage are the keys to greater understanding in these crimes which seem to be so misunderstood still. Despite your critics who only care to defend the corrupt power structure and bank accounts of the institution of the Catholic Church, you have massively contributed to the greater good and all of society owes each of you a deep debt of gratitude. Many, many thanks!!
If you would like to contribute something to this page, please mail or email your information to:
Companions in Hope
P. O. Box 638
Geneva, Illinois 60134
mail@companionsinhope.comThank you for your interest and participation.